Many people, friends and journalists have been asking me what will happen if I fall in love. All the time I was just smiling and rejecting any possibilities to meet someone within the project. Falling in love is pretty easy for me, I am kind of person who gets inspired by little things. I believe in little miracles in our life, these things are small but very important. Once I was calling an insurance company and I had to wait on the phone. While waiting there was a nice music on the line. They put a song by the German band 2Raumwohnung, one of my favourite German bands that I was even listening to in Russia before I moved to Germany. They remind me about my dreams and my future plans. So after the call, I put their music on my MP3 player and I was listening to them more than 2 weeks and I had such a good time, I was always happy, so happy that I even was crying in the end of the day because I had to much positive energy. Another time I just went out of my house and one woman asked me if she can take a pic of me. I agreed and we talked a little bit. The day was sunny and she was super nice, so the start of the day was giving a beautiful sign for the good mood. We have to appreciate these little things, sometimes they can change your life.
I was very happy, but at the same time felt sorrow to have experienced 3 little miracles that happened recently to me. I met 3 men, 3 little miracles that had a big impact on me and my current project.
FIRST MIRACLE – Grisha
Grisha is a journalist from the Ukraine. In November he was attending an international meeting for journalists in Berlin and we had a chance to meet. I found him on Growlr – an application for bears. I heard about this app from a previous date I had. I downloaded it and right away I got to know Grisha there. His pics didn’t look very special, but still sweet enough. We were chatting a bit for two days – he was busy throughout because of workshops and meetings. On the third day we met. I picked up him from his hostel. I was standing with the back to the entrance next to the huge line for the Mustafa´s Gemüse Kebab at Mehringdamm. He looked so fucking gorgeous and totally different than on the pics on his Growlr profile, I barely recognised him and was suprised he spoke to me. His cute beared face and big eyes were totally magnetic, I wanted to hug his skinny body and take his hand and walk together the whole night – which is what actually happened in the end. I took him to a bar, we had a beautiful walk and talk. I wanted him from the first second I saw him. I loved everything about him: talented guy with a big heart and pure emotions. He told me his heart was broken twice. Two guys left him, altough he was giving everything in his relationships. Once he got invitation for an internship abroad but his boyfriend didnt want to leave the country because of his good job and Grisha decided to stay with him in Ukraine. His other boyfriend was living in Moscow and he brocke his leg so that he couldnt cope with the every day obligations and his job. So, Grisha decided immediately to move to Moscow from Ukraine to take care of him. Once he recovered he left Grisha and he moved back to Ukraine. His commitment and his love conquered my heart. I was feeling so sorry for him that two guys left him and that he had to suffer a lot. In total we spent more than 4 hours together, it was really like we were in a soap opera. Apparently, soap operas exist in real life. But the whole night, everywhere we went we saw LOVE signs: little hearts as stickers, hearts on the wall, on the benches, graffiti with I LOVE YOU all over Victoria Park, posters about LOVE and so on. We took pics of every heart and a lot of selfies. We were kissing and tenderly touching each other. I couldn’t believe I met someone like him, and he gave me the most beautiful compliment I have ever received: “Mischa, you are too skinny, you have to gain some weight.” No one in my life said something like this to me. He was satisfied with me and I was happy about him. We had sex in the park on the bench, we were happy together. Everything was beautiful till the certain point…
… On the way back to his hostel I decided to tell him the truth. He was very open and very honest to me, I couldn’t lie and I said that he became part of my project and that he is one of my dates on the long way through the whole year. He didn’t really understand what is going on and couldnt get what I mean. I had to explain that I am performance artist and that my new piece dedicated to my loneliness. He looked very sceptical and worried. I broke his heart. He hadnt sex since last May and he is not that open to random people, so he trusted me and told me a lot of his private life. I told him that I didnt want to harm or hurt him. I was feeling so bad and stupid, like I got into my own trap of the project. He was calm and very quiet, what scared me even more. I cried and was hugging him, he didn’t say anything else. He was tired, it was around 4.30am and he had to get up at 7am. We decided to talk tomorrow when we are both fresh. I kissed him and went home, I didn’t want to use the just-opened subway line, so I just walked home.
I couldnt believe it happened, I just couldnt think how and why now just in the beginning ot the project. I cried the whole way back home. I was so disappointed in my art and my practice. Why should I keep doing art and this project if I hurt people? What is the purpose of art? I wanted to finish this project and even stop doing any art. I felt terrible.
It is a very special meeting. Grisha is very modest, he dreams of childern and family. I supported his ideas and I shared his feelings. He never cheated in his life and he doesnt like random sex. It was like the man of my dreams and I had a chance to meet him.
Next day we met again and next day also, he was sleeping at my place and we were going out. He became a bit different and restrained. He liked me a lot but he didn’t trust me. There were a lot of emotions and a lot of talks, I liked him so much. He talked in a funny way about our children which could be able speaking so many languages if we will teach them and about moving between Ukraine and Germany.
As revenge, he decided to go to the dates with me, I said it is not possible but if he want we could go together to sex clubs / bar / cruising places so that I can do it quick and we can continue to be together. He meant not only coming with me but also watching me while I am having sex with someone else. I was confused and didn’t get that he was serious about this. He forced me to do it in his presence. I think that this was the most horrible sex I ever had in my life. I wanted to puke and just get my skin out. I didn’t want anyone but Grisha. So we had this routine the whole time till he went back to Ukraine. Every time I felt I am cheating on him and I didnt know how to keep doing this project. Grisha encouraged me to do it further and we went to other bars and clubs. Many people were starring at him and trying to flirt. I became so fucking jealous, I didnt allowed anyone to touch him and was beating hands of the guys that tried to get to him, I got so crazy.
Our happy time together was short, soon he had to leave and I didn’t know how to cope with this, the last thing we could do was Skype love. I was calling him every day, I was really glad I could see him every day. I wanted to be together and visit him from time to time. But I had 10 months ahead of my project, he said I have to finish this performance and then we could talk about relationships. I agreed for sure and we were trying to become first friends and then lovers. It was pretty hard for me, I am too emotional and my body requires a lot of attention and caresses. I noticed that Grisha is very careful with his words and emotions, I was the opposite, I was flying and dreaming all the time. I wrote my first ever love poem and was giving him a sign every day how important he was to me despite of my dates and my guys I was meeting. He was quiet and not that open anymore, it was painful, I wasn’t sure what was going on. Every time I was speaking about it to him he would said that he is still heartbroken and that I can not ask him so much at the moment. I was crying every day, I had to date and I hated everyone around me. It was hard time. We managed to stay like this for two weeks. One day friend of mine uploaded a pic of me with another guy next to me. Grisha called me and asked me who was this guy and if he also was part of my project. I didn’t want talk about details and just said yes. He dropped the call immediately and wrote to me on Facebook that my behavior is horrible and odious. After that he deleted me from Facebook and Skype. I was just shocked and I couldn’t do anything. The dream was over. I didn’t try to contact him anymore, I didn’t want to hurt myself. It was to painful and I felt actually released after that. The LEGO house came apart and I had to build a new house.
SECOND MIRACLE – A.
My project got a lot of attention around the world. Even in Kosovo, there were some articles about my project. A. was reading about me in the newspapers and he added me on Facebook. He was really kind and nice to me. To be honest I didn’t pay attention so much who he was and what he is doing, he was just one of many who was adding me and chatting with me, I didn’t even properly check his pictures on Facebook. But it went further, he was trying to organize an event in Kosovo and invite me with my project. I appreciated that very much and we were chatting a little bit more. Sometimes he was asking me how I am doing and how the project is going. One night he caught me at my bad mood as I was walking alone. I told him that I made up a new word MALEncholia, which would describe my feelings at the moment. He was sooooo nice by saying that now he would love to be with me on the walk and share with me his feelings. That was so cute and sweet. One day I asked him for Skyping, he sent me his nickname and after two days we Skyped for the first time. I couldn’t hide my emotions when he switched on his camera, he was such a cute guy with blond hair and a bright smile. He loved my project and he was supporting me, he liked me a lot and was about even wait 9 months and be together. I was a little be afraid of it because I just had this story with Grisha. I didn’t know if I feel just so bad that I need support and was ready for any relationships just to recover my pain. But I wanted to go ahead and forget about anything. I liked A, a lot, he was very funny and very expressive. He shared with me a link to the song FREE TICKET by the band Hurricane Love which became my favourite song for weeks, he inspired me for traveling and wanderlust. I was even checking flights to Pristina and decide to visit him in January. Every day we were sharing selfies and writing to each other. He was giving so many compliments like: it matters that you breathe there, I wanna take you up to the sky that you can touch it. I didn’t think about anything I was just happy. One night after my performance to the World AIDS Day I was walking home, it was late and I was alone in the windy night, on the street I saw a shopping bill that was rolling in such a nice way. I got inspired and took the bill home, I made a short video of it and shared it with A.. I wanted to show him that beauty is everywhere, that life is beautiful and we have just to notice that. He loved that and give me a virtual kiss.
On Wednesday night he went to a birthday party, I shared with him my last selfie I made in the elavtor around 3.52am and since that time he never got back to me. First two days I was OK and thought he might be busy but I was still sad, because it was just the beginning, which was suprsiningly nice. I was sending just one message a day if everything is ok. He wasn’t on Whatsapp since Wednesday but was on Facebook, he saw my messages. I didn’t know what to think – is it a bad bad joke? Is someone using his Facebook ? Is he dead and no one can answer his messages? I really was fucking worried and I am still. It never happend in my life, it is unbelievable. Second time I got hurt so much as never before. Why on earth is happing to me? How is it possible to send me kisses and lovely compliments every day and then just dessapiried? He would better just delete me. Maybe something really happened and I dont know? I am getting crazy with this fucking project. I think a lot of A.. In the beginning I was angry but now I am just empty. It is like he took me to the end of the world to show me his love, I trusted him and I let me leading on this way, like we would be standing on the big mountain and he would showing me something in the sky but suddenly closing my eyes with two of his hands and saying that I have to keep my eyes closed and count for 2 mins and then I can open my eyes. Once I opened my eyes no one was there, I was breathless, I didn’t know if I have to run and search for the love or rather just jump from the mountain down and die. It hurts a lot.
THIRD MIRACLE – David
I don’t know if this world is joking with me or checking my psyche if I am able for anything in this life. But right at that moment that Avdyl didnt get back to me anymore I got to know David, a fashion designer from Hamburg. He knew about the project and he was pretty open and very supportive. We dated, first we went to a sleeping performance at the KMS 145 and then to my house. Third time ever since I started the project I took someone home. David is very intelligent, intersting and smart guy. I love his shy charakter and his attutude to art and artists. He just moved to Berlin and still looking for a flat, got a new job and has to deal with some bad cowerkers. But his goal is for sure to create art and do a lot of projects. On the first evening we were watching at my place some documentations of performance and a movie by Jochen Hick about leather scene in the gay community. We had sex, he didn’t come but I did, I came and I cried. I didnt know what was wrong, it is just too much for me, so many meetings, so many people and so much disappointment in myself and my honest feelings. He stayed over, in the morning he gave an interview for the documentary movie about my project. We were Whatsapp-ing and calling. Second time we met he was tired after his job and he wanted to take a shower at my place. We went to my room and I tried to hug him and kiss him on the lips. He pushed me away by saying that is too fast and we shouldn’t start it, he didn’t want to give me a feeling that we start any relationship but he didnt want also that I have an impression that he was using me. I didnt expect that and was a little bit sad about that. He took a little towel and went to the bathroom, I was in the bed, he came in naked, put his fresh pants on and laid next to me, I didnt want to be touched or kissed or anything else. I just turned my back to him and cried. During the night I felt that someone was touching me and it was like a stab with a knife, I felt so broken that I couldn’t feel anything. Sometimes I pushed my body to him for just forget about my pain and pulling the whole knife into my heart. I didn’t feel, I was numb and I decide that there is no way we will continue anything together. In the morning I made a tea for him and said goodbye.
It is very strange but I need so much love now, I became a baby again and need 24 hours attention and full support, I cry every day and I am so sad. I think I also became more narcisstic and egoistical. I dont know what will happen in the next 9 months, anyway I think I will visit a psychologist for the first time in my life.