Top picture by: Nina Hansch
It has been a week since I started my project. I have been learning a lot every time I meet someone new. I have been asked many times if I feel lonely after my each date. To explain my basic idea, this project has two topics: loneliness and my experience of a neo-nazi attack in Russia last Christmas. I never been in any kind of love relationship. In Russia, it was really had to meet openly-gay people and I was forced to come out at age of 26, what caused a big disagreement with my friends and close relatives.
It was when I understood and felt that I do not have to expect anything from others. But I still should give all my love and share my feelings with others, which is what I have been trying to do since then. You never know when you will find a date. You have to be totally concentrated and keep a lot of concerns in your mind. For the past three days I had to make a big effort to meet someone as I was sleepy and tired all the time. Many my Facebook followers asked me about safety and if I feel comfortable to go to strangers and their places without knowing them. I have to admit that after I have been caught by a group of eight neo-nazis in one flat in Russia I do have come fear when I think about going to a suspicious flat, but generally I still trust most people.
Anyway I would like to report a bit about my first date and also briefly introduce the topic of age and sex. Many of my friends were curious to know who would my first date be. I did not really planned anything and I just wanted to let it happen. Surprises are coming always if you do not expect them. So one day before my project started a 76-years-old guy named Klaus contacted me by email as he read about me and my performance in the newspapers. I got back to him shortly. His next message was longer and full of interesting stories. I became interested and I decided to meet him, despite of the fact that he is much older than me.
I was feeling like being part of the movie WOLKE 9 (from the German director Andreas Dresen) as it deals with the themes of sexuality and love in old age. I never had sex with someone over 50 but I was curious about him. The stories that I had heard from him were unbelievable. He told me that he was raped at the age of 12 by one Russian soldier. But instead of depression and trauma, he found pleasure and even met the soldier after three years. Being rape by military was a common at that time and I it is still happening in many military bases in some countries. Rape became a ritual among solders. Klaus told me that he heard about someone who was raped by 40 people as an initiation ritual.
(Picture of Klaus)
I think loneliness has a lot in common with the problem of being/ getting old. By the time I used to live in Dresden I made a short documentary movie about a man who was 75 years old. His story was astonishing and very touching. He could only tell his wife that he was gay when he was 60 years old and he then left to move out with another man. He has 4 children and everyone was scared how everything would change and what would happen with the family. But, after couple of years, they found a way of supporting each other. My movie about him was called ICH HABE EIN GEHEIMNIS (I have got a secret) and it helped my main character to come out in the public and feel released. Now he is an active member of the local religious LGBTI community.
After the movie, I had the idea of opening a group or an organization to support older gay men in Dresden, Saxony. After talking with one of the main gay organisations there, they said that there is not that much help for elderly people. So, I found one man on the GayRomeo (popular gay chat) and offered him my time that we can spend together. People who feel lonely are sometimes scared to admit it and talk about it. After some time, we even spent Christmas together – as he did not have any relatives and his only one daughter rejects him and I was a foreigner in a city: two lonely people spending time together.
But my first date is totally the opposite of this. He is very social and still working a lot for different cultural and art occasions. He shared with me a lot of beautiful stories. And also, his sexual life is also pretty intense. To be honest I was afraid to talk about sex and to ask very private questions. But once I asked him when he had last time sex he answered very cheered that he “fucked someone the day before yesterday” and I could feel his energy and his passion. He also told me that old people have a different orgasm/feeling after sex. Despite of not having so much ejaculation, they keep a sexual desire after sex for at least 20 min. In my case I feel only tired and would need always a break. But he wanted more and more. I would never thought that would be possible, but now that I know I am happy that I was curious enough to met him for my first date. There were a lot of other stories and funny things that I explain in my video diary that you can watch in the end of the project. And if you want more information about elderly gay men, there is a project in Berlin supporting them: LEBENSORT VIELFALT (http://www.lebensortvielfalt.de/)
PICTURE OF THE WEEK (object that I steal from the place of my dates)
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