I’ve been addicted to porn and masturbation for the better part of my twenties. I was bullied for my sexuality growing up. I’ve been sexually abused three times. I do not talk about this. These facts are hard for me to admit, to type, to put into the world. But until I do, they sit in me and I get sick. This photo series was done in the early Summer of 2018 late one evening in an apartment in West Village, NYC. It represents the battles that go on within these walls of my body, the self-sabotage, the Fear. I think a lot of us gay men feel slaves to our sexuality and only see ourselves as objects of sex, not worthy of a meaningful, heart and soul centred relationship. That is my own projection onto the community, but I don’t think I’m wrong about this. I would get off on being used for sex because it gave me validation that I am worthy and valuable for something. Even for a moment or an hour. Upon experiencing a Kundalini Awakening a little over two years ago, my relationship with my sexuality has transformed. I understand it now as creative energy, the pull to create. I have also deepened my partnership with my physical body, committing myself to understand it well, and loving it for being the One I was given.

Having this new perspective on sexuality, I began to deeply analyze my sexual habits; the daily masturbation, the occasional faceless sex, and porn. And I began to wonder…” what am I doing to myself? Why does this feel so damaging?” I realized that these habits were directly stemmed from trauma; that from the beginning, I’ve been craving connection. These photos are a visual illustration of what it feels like inside of me when I am experiencing anxiety over my sexuality; when I feel pulled between falling into my addiction or channelling that energy into something more creative and productive. I often fall.