Loneliness is a distance. Distance in space, time and between bodies. It has such a vivid spectrum of feelings, states and dimensions. Loneliness is global and at the same time so simple. Being lonely is being yourself. Some people are afraid of it, and so did I all the time. But one day I decide to be honest and tell the people what was bothering me the most.
365 days have passed and so have 365 people who I slept with. Many times I would walk up in the morning and I would ask myself if it was real that I was doing this project. After all those days, I only wanna say I AM SORRY. I feel so terrible about myself and about what I did to others. I forgot to be honest with other bodies, I feel like I was misusing people for my own purpose and I did not go deeper in every relationship that was appearing after each date. I think I hurt myself and others.
“Would you recognize me in the morning?
Were we ashamed?
Have I been breathing with you?
Did you hold me tight?
Have we praised to the heaven?
Could you smell me?
You would not return, would you?
Was it true?
Were we hugging tender?
Did you cry?
Did I kiss you on the lips?
Is it a whole eternity passed?
Broke the day around 4am?
Fell we asleep together?
Did our gazes cross?
Was it cold?
Sang you me some songs?
Was I speaking about the dream?
Did you hear any scream?
Should we forget what happened?
Would I see you tomorrow?
Would I recognize you in the morning?”
The project started and ended with violence. In the beginning I got a warning message from an Armenian neonazis who promised to kill me within 30 days if I will kept on with my project. In the last week I got attacked on Karl-Marx-Street by one guy who all of a sudden put pepper spray into my face and went away on his bike. I didn’t know where so much negativity came from. It was unpleasant but I coped with it as a new experience in my life. It is obvious that my project caused a wave of different energies. Some people admire it but some people namely want stop this craziness.
I also had to deal with my own violence quite often. Sexuality has so much power and it can turn into power itself. You have to be really strong to manage this power. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do it perfectly. I became weak and very tired. Although I managed to finish the project and complete all 365 days, I went far away from my concept. In the end I was making use of many cruising areas – sexual non places – to find my dates. I was tired of communication, people, memories, stories. I just wanted to achieve my goal for each day and so I became a machine.
At the same time it was the most inspiring time in my life. I am super open, it is so easy to get motivated and feel moved. This project took me a way further in terms of ideas and energies. I got deep into the stories of some of my dates. I couldn’t sleep, eat or think about nothing else but them. They were moving me and my existence.
Last Friday I went to the GEGEN party in the Kit Kat Club. My ever first time at that party and in the club. It was very important for me to go there and get rid of my sexual thoughts and desires after the project. Such a beautiful experience of being totally free. I saw beautiful people around me, a real Berlin crowd, perfect music for dancing and an amazing atmosphere to get into a trans. I didn’t care about anything, I was just enjoying myself and spreading good energy. I met a lot of my ex dates there. I felt so emotional when I saw my guys at one place, connected by the music and the nice vibes. On that night I freed myself of my project and I managed to calm down.
I discovered for myself the power of love, a pure and honest one. Throughout my project I had the honor to met so many beautiful and talented people. They became part of me now and I will keep them for ever. I understood that with any little sign of attention and love they gave to me, I could create so much. And it gave me the feeling that we can even move mountains and other impossible things in our life. This love could be described in one experience I had in Warsaw. I spent one week in the city and was dating Polish guys. First 5 days I was staying in the hotel. As I entered my room I found a following letter on my desk:
„Hello! My name is Justyna. I have prepared your room for tonight. However, if something is wrong, please contact the reception or give details on other side and leave it in the bedroom. I´ll read it tomorrow morning. Have an enjoyable stay with us.“
You would think that is a standard and not really important letter. For me it was the most beautiful love letter. Just imagine: someone prepared a bed for me, took care of my needs and gave me so much attention. She was putting her hands on it and cleaned everything so that I would feel comfortable. I was about to get to know her and say thank you. The same feeling I had by dating random guys that I never met before. They also managed to give me a lot of care and love that I didn’t expect.
I am not going into details in this post. It is very hard to make a last statement. Because there is no end yet, it is just a stop and I have to think a lot about what happened and how my life is going to be in the future. I like crying a lot, it is my way to cope with my emotions. Since August 2014 and until now I am getting so many messages, calls and comments from different people all over the world with grateful and thankful words. Many people admit that they cry while they read about my project and my experiment. That is the biggest achievement for me. I wish I could meet my dates again and cry with them for a while and then hug them, embrace their beauty and feel happy just by touching them.
I will tell my history of touches in the next couple of months by live acts, sounds, texts, videos and movies. This history just started and I hope that other people will also learn how to touch each other.
Text: Mischa Badasyan
Photos: Andrea Linss